Q. Why post this FAQ publicly?
I'm very open about this, and proud of it, to tell the truth. Gender transition is the most difficult project I've ever undertaken, and I worked hard to make it successful and rewarding. While it's far from complete, I have had many encouraging successes along the way. Much of this is good fortune, especially in having supportive friends and family, for which I am grateful beyond measure.
Q. This is a bit shocking and I just don't get it.
Q. So you're wearing women's clothes now. Does that make you a drag queen?
No, I am not a performer, I am just me. I wear women's clothes for the same reason that other women do. They feel comfortable and I like the way they look. And these days, wearing women's clothes just feels really normal, and I wear normal women's clothes, not flashy drag queen outfits.
Q. How long will this continue?
Multiple medical professionals are involved in my case, and have produced written letters testifying my condition for legal purposes. I have undergone irreversible surgery after undergoing the requisite amount of counselling.
In addition, have taken legal action to change my name to "Sheila" and my gender marker to Female.
I now think of myself as female, and strongly prefer if others will do the same. It helps a lot if you refer to me by my new name "Sheila", and use female pronouns (like "her" and "she"), but I understand that it's hard for some people and that is ok.
It's also appropriate to categorize me as a transgender woman, or a "trans woman" as many people say. The clinical adjective for this is "transsexual", but commonly people prefer the word "transgender"
Q. Do you really think of yourself as a woman?
August 4, 2013 - This mental shift takes time and is still settling in. As one of my transgender friends put it, "I am gradually...very gradually...coming to terms with being female."
The more I accept myself as a woman, the more comfort I experience and the better I feel. In order help me do that, I need to shift my body, my mind, and emotions toward having more feminine attributes. That's what the gender transition process is all about, and I have made good progress down that path .
Physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am no longer male, and well on my way toward being more female due to regular hormone replacement therapy. Now that I have completed my first gender realignment surgery (GRS), I could not become male even if I wanted to.
Socially I am woman. At least that's how I want to be perceived and treated. Of course, I am a modern woman and consider myself equal to men, with equal rights, responsibilities, and authority. Yes, that makes me a feminist. No, feminists are not man-haters.
Socially I am woman. At least that's how I want to be perceived and treated. Of course, I am a modern woman and consider myself equal to men, with equal rights, responsibilities, and authority. Yes, that makes me a feminist. No, feminists are not man-haters.
Q. How is your family handling this?
My wife and I are still happy together and will remain married. She has always been supportive about my gender issues, which she has known about since our first date. Over the years she always said she would be supportive if I needed to transition, but I didn't believe it was necessary until late 2012.
She, along with the rest of my immediate family and close friends, have been incredibly accepting and supportive, for which I am intensely grateful.
There is a bigger extended family, and so far I have not heard of any negative reactions. So everything seems to be ok.
Q. How did you end up with the name "Sheila"?
There was a woman who occasionally visited me in my dreams named "Sheila", for most of my adult life. She was a dear friend, and dreams involving her were always special. Sometimes I indulged in a superstitious notion that maybe this was another person contacting me in my dreams, telepathically somehow, as if somehow hearts could connect psychically across great distances.
Of course, the rational part of me considers such notions far-fetched, and I always thought Sheila more likely a figment of my subconscious mind. Later, after I realized the need for gender transition, I understood Sheila as a female version of myself, and she stopped appearing in my dreams as a separate person...she became me, and I became her.
In the waking world, I thought about changing my name to Sheila, but I received negative feedback on that name for a variety of reasons (my wife Bonnie did not prefer the name Sheila!). So I spent about three months trying out a long list of first and middle names but could not make any of them stick. Sheila was the only name I was comfortable with, as much as I liked other choices (including Branna Lee, Beth, Joyce, Vivian, and Eleanor). I tried each name for several days, asking friends to call me that name...but only the name Sheila made me feel comfortable.
My full name is now Sheila Bradley Allen. "Bradley" was originally my first name, and I decided to keep Bradley as my middle name based on feedback from my Mom and Sister. I had wanted a more feminine middle name but it's not really used very often so it's not a problem. Also, I discovered while researching name choices that Bradley has historically been used as a female name, and only more recently was exclusively male.
Q. How does this impact your work and other social interactions?
It's really not a big deal as far as I can tell. Most people just don't seem to have an issue with it, or else they are just too polite to show it.
I have heard about other transgender folks who have had much more trouble with societal acceptance, have experience job loss and other forms of discrimination. I personally dreaded and feared such experiences, but I am lucky to be living in a major US metroplex, and working in the healthcare software industry. Also my particular employer handled the situation well, for which I am extremely grateful.
I did work very hard to maintaining good relationships, and was very careful in the "coming out" process because I wanted to ensure success and avoid misunderstanding, counterproductive gossip, etc.
Q. How did you decide gender transition was the appropriate treatment for you?
The short version: As a child, I was in deep denial, ashamed, and did a lot of things to keep the issue secret. As I got older I realized I had gender issues but thought maybe it was just a recurring mental quirk, over-active imagination, or sexual abnormality. I have developed creative coping mechanisms, which enabled me to get by without dealing directly with the issue.
During Oct 2012, I had begun exploration of meditation and self-hypnosis to explore the root causes of self-defeating behaviour patterns, and discovered to my surprise that if I could "trick" my mind into believing I was female, I experienced significant self-realizations.
By Nov 2012, I began giving myself permission to seriously consider gender transition and experienced shocking feelings of joy at the prospect. I made a deal with myself: I would go down the path of gender transition long enough to find out if it led to healthier behaviour. The proof would be in the result: if I found myself motivated enough to successfully pursue weight loss, exercise, cutting back on time-wasting activities, and increased emphasis on life-sustaining activities...then maybe I was on the right track.
During the same month, I signed up for gender therapy. Over the course of three months, I started dressing as a woman in private life, and overcame my fear and shame about appearing in public places wearing feminine outfits. And I did see results in terms of healthier, happier behaviour. I became more productive and motivated, and lost about 50 pounds during this period (from 245 lbs. to 195 lbs.).
The further down this path I went, the more I wanted to go forward. By the end of January 2013, I started hormone replacement therapy, and a few weeks after felt better than ever. It felt "right" which helped confirm the diagnosis.
The long version: That wasn't long enough? I'll write the more complete story at a later time for people who want to know more, but will probably post to a more private venue.
Q. When did you first come "out" publicly?
March 2013, just before leaving work for a week to attend PyCon 2013 in Santa Clara. I coordinated with HR a "coming out" plan, and announcement company-wide along with a brief FAQ. Then I was gone for a week, while HR did a "transgender in the workplace" training to give people a chance to talk about it and adjust.
It was exhilarating to finally be done with keeping it secret, and to no longer have to live a double life switching back and forth between male mode and female mode. It was also a tremendous relief from stress and fears about what might happen after I came "out".
My wife and I had a couple of fun and memorable vacation days in San Francisco just before the conference that week. It was a fantastic way to celebrate finally being able to life "full time" as a woman.
Q. What public restroom do you use?
Q. Have you taken legal action to change your name and gender?
Yes. This was was completed in Sept 2013. Because of the complexity of the process in Texas, it was necessary to hire a law firm to get the job done. This cost about $1200 and took months to complete.
It's a lot simpler and more consistent in other states. Hopefully one of these years the Texas legislature will find the time to fix this; it's wrong that people facing such a costly medical treatment must also spend significant sums hiring law firms. It should be just a matter of producing the medical paperwork and getting the court to sign off once all documents are in order. (versus having a different process in different districts with varying favorability of outcomes).
It's a lot simpler and more consistent in other states. Hopefully one of these years the Texas legislature will find the time to fix this; it's wrong that people facing such a costly medical treatment must also spend significant sums hiring law firms. It should be just a matter of producing the medical paperwork and getting the court to sign off once all documents are in order. (versus having a different process in different districts with varying favorability of outcomes).
Q. What public restroom do you use?
I use the ladies room, and have not had any problems with this. Being legally female helps with my peace of mind, knowing that I have just as much right to be in the ladies room as any other woman.
However, I also try to be considerate of others who might be uncomfortable about this, knowing that not everybody is completely understanding about my situation. I do my best to appear as female as possible in any public place where I might need to use the restroom. For example, I don't spend time in public places (or even at work) when growing out my facial hair in preparation for electrolysis.
However, I also try to be considerate of others who might be uncomfortable about this, knowing that not everybody is completely understanding about my situation. I do my best to appear as female as possible in any public place where I might need to use the restroom. For example, I don't spend time in public places (or even at work) when growing out my facial hair in preparation for electrolysis.
At work, to avoid making any co-workers uncomfortable, I purposely avoid the two closeby women's restrooms, and only use the two furthest from our offices in the same building. This system has worked well, and I've heard no complaints at work.
Q. Is gender transition considered medically necessary?
A. Yes. This is supported by statements from organizations such as The American Medical Association (2008); the American Psychological Association; the American Psychiatric Association; the American Academy of Family Physicians; the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists; the Endocrine Society; the National Association of Social Workers; and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health.
Q. What kind of healthcare treatment have you undertaken to address your gender issue?
- Gender therapy, weekly for the first six months, then bi-weekly, now once per month
- Hormone replacement therapy (the Wiley Protocol, which involves variable doses of estrogen and progesterone on a 28 day cycle mimicing the cycle of young woman)
- Bilateral orchiectomy, by an experienced GRS surgeon using an abdominal surgical technique to preserve future prospects for vaginoplasty and labiaplasty.
- Beard removal via electrolysis and laser hair removal. This is by far the hardest, most painful, most inconvenient, and most costly part of the process. After about 50 hours of electrolysis, I am probably 1/3 of the day way done. The best case is 28 months of treatment, according to electrologists I have spoken with.
There are some additional treatments to consider for the future, as well, but I will have to wait before I can afford them. Also, some may prove unnecessary depending on how well my body responds to hormone replacement therapy over the next 2-3 years.
Self treatments are also part of the process, which include
- Socialization in the new gender; I have had to undertake a learning process to understand what it means to be a woman in this society. Not to mention buying a new wardrobe. :-)
- Vocal training; this is important to me but is very time consuming. I have started conditioning my voice based the training materials from Kathe Perez from Exceptional Voice. However I need to dedicate about an hour a day to practice in order to make real progess.
- Self hypnosis recordings have helped me a lot, and probably one reason why I was able to progress so quickly in overcoming psychological barriers to accepting myself as a woman, and coming out publicly. I tried several, and the best ones for me were the Preen Publishing self hypnosis recordings.
- Beard cover: since it takes a long time to get rid of beard shadow, I have to use makeup to cover my beard. I am not comfortable going into a women's restroom looking like a man, so I have to do this before going out in public. Fortunately I can do cover my beard quickly and it's a part of the daily ritual. I use dermablend.
